Infertility - A down day

Well it has been 3 years on the infertility road and it continues to sprawl out in front of us with no end in sight.
Most days i find I can stay very positive about the future and firm in the belief that one day I will experience the joy of being a Mom but today is one of the down days. A day when I just feel like putting this all behind me, closing the door and getting on with life as it is rather than how I hope it will be. Living in a constant limbo of "when we have a baby OR when I am pregnant" is a soul sucking energy vampire that is constantly sitting on my shoulder.
At the moment we are going through testing and medication changes to prepare for our first (and hopefully only) round of IVF but today I found out that things still aren't correct with my hormones and I will need another medication change, another 3 weeks of waiting and another blood test to see if my hormone levels are correct enough to even start the IVF process. It is so disheartening and while this isn't really a major set back it was,for me, the straw that broke the camels back. LOTS OF CRYING< AND SCREAMING!!!!!
I cried, and screamed and picked a fight with my husband and just so badly wanted to get off this God aweful roller coaster they call infertility.
If it were only me involved I think I would call it a day and spend my time coming to terms with not having a child but it isn't just me and so for the man I love I am writing this to try and get rid of the bad feelings and be ready to put on my brave face again before he returns home.

It may seem crazy to vent about something so personal in a forum that is so public but it seems to work for me and to be honest I can't talk to friends about this as most of them think I'm crazy for wanting a child anyway.

This truly is the most horrible experience of my life which is saying a lot as there has been some really shitty moments in the past but I shall take a deep breath, shake off the gloom and pray.
On the upside all this heartache has confirmed to me that God is real and is a man as only a man could sacrifice his own son and then inflict all this pain on the rest of his children.
F**k God, f**k fertility and f**k all the people who read this and get pissed off. I'm pissed off too and it is my blog so there!

Getting Away For Some Boy Time

Life out here on the east coast has been good so far. Summer arrived over night and the days have been hovering around 20-23 with cool nights which is always great.

Here's a little story I'm sure you'll appreciate due to your love of fishing/outdoors...

So we live about 15 minutes from a small town in New Brunswick and on just over 100 acres of land. At the bottom of our property is a really cute river that the locals fish for trout in. There are lots of trees to give dappled shade on a hot day and the banks back up to the road are steep so not many people venture down. At the end of last week our neighbour and friend Matt really needed some down time. His house is filled with women (wife, 2 daughters and a niece) all living with him and all talking his ear off 24/7 !

Poor Matt decided that the peace and quiet of the river was exactly what he needed so he decided to wander down the hill and get away from it all. Matt packed up his rod and tackle box, added a few necessities (beer) and headed off for some "boy time".The sun was shining, the bugs have yet to arrive in full force and the birds were singing in the trees. It was just what he needed.

After a couple of hours and not a fish in sight, he packed up the gear and started to walk along the river bank to the road so he wouldn't have to climb the steep bank. He strolled along without a care in the world but as he rounded the corner he saw a small black fluff ball playing at the waters edge..."Oh shit" was the first thing through his mind so he very quietly turned and walked back the way he came. After walking for a while and not hearing anything he glanced back over his shoulder just in time to see that the bear cub had followed him at a distance. Now the the only thing Matt thought was "oh f**k".

The moment Matt saw the cub it let out a cry and as if by magic Mama could be heard crashing though the bush towards them.

Matt (who has a very bad leg from a loader accident and has a hard time even walking) launched himself 4 ft in the air and hid behind a thorny bush praying the bear wouldn't see him.Luckily Mama bear only saw her cub and left Matt to sit in the bushes until both Mom and cub were long done.

Well the story ends with Matt having to pull thorns out of his bum for the remainder of the day BUT the moral of the story is...

Females are everywhere, you can't get away from us and one way or another, somehow we end up being a pain in the ass!

True story!

(but as always names have been changed to protect the innocent and the embarrassed).

Could I feel at home in the city?

After spending time in Calgary and Vancouver last week I was left thinking about living in or close to a city again. I find I am attracted to the hustle and bustle, the opportunity to explore some new restaurant, shop or neighbourhood. Weekends could be filled with thumbing through obscure novels at the latest book shop, listening to live music, or meeting up with friends for drinks at our favorite haunts.
On the other hand the city is also a lonely place that sprawls from one area to the next repeating its plastic box houses, flashing its neon lights at you and begging you to spend the last dime on your credit card for the next must have item...only to realize it is already out of fashion.

There are trails through the subdivisions that provide dog walkers, joggers, and a few "Yummy Mommies" a visual reprieve from city life and yet the illusion is destroyed by the hum of car engines 2 blocks away and the piercing cry of a police siren that shatters the falsified serenity of this urban nature trail.
Yes the city is a melding pot of contradictions and I am left wondering where, if at all I could fit in.

My friends have each found their individual niche, found a place that they feel welcomed so why is it I feel I never could again.
I am a wife and hopefully soon a mother so a natural start on this quest may be with the "Yummies". Perhaps they would embrace me into their fold....but I am a little pudgy, political and opinionated about what is right for my family and I am certainly not into $4000.00 designer cribs or fashion label work out gear that no one ever breaks a sweat in so I fear our relationship would come to a very abrupt end.
Perhaps I could start a running class with JoJo and work up to becoming a full on weekend warrior...but I love to spend Sunday mornings curled up in bed with my husband and while jogging is fun I am simply not competitive enough to ever go from jogger to "Runner".

Maybe I have been looking to much at the physical and I should look into finding a political cause or charity to infiltrate...but the granola do-gooders would soon shun a happily addicted shoe collector like myself and the more straight laced hard asses would gasp at my Spiritual hoodoo voodoo beliefs and free love outlook on life.

So the question remains where could I fit in within a city?
.... And the answer remains the same as always: With my loving but crazy husband, with my soul sister and BFF, and with my four legged animals that make anywhere and everywhere home!

Poem - Spiritual Evolution

We all agreed with Michael Stipe when he said
I’m Losing My Religion,
but God is rampant in our government
the Golden Globes and in our prisons.

For $29.95 you can buy the answers
buy The Secret,
positive thinking, Dr, Phil, the bible
the sources all seem perfect.

We are starving for some guidance
for morality and faith,
search the net, scour the mall
look to some paranormal state.

How is it in this time of science
education and free speech,
enlightenment and wisdom
elude our greedy reach.

We are begging for a prophet,
a guru, a saint,
but we will demonize and persecute
then ask her to repent.

We want our Sheppard to have a penis
God forbid the sacred vagina
For a woman with a mind
Must have the devils spawn inside her

Are we hopeless? Condemned?
Unworthy of absolution?,
or are we merely children of God
Living out our Spiritual Evolution?

Elly - Karren's Horse

Welcome Home Serenity

Just a quick post to introduce our latest addition!
Avalanche, aka Serenity, is a 10 year old mare who loves to be pampered and made a fuss of. She also loves to get into the ring and take on some jumps or hit the trail with "her human".
We are very pleased that she is coming to Enchanted Acres to be a part of our family and can't wait to see her when she arrives here from Nova Scotia this weekend.

Happy trails!

Making a Baby

If any one asked me a couple of years ago if I knew how to make a baby I would of laughed, maybe blushed, and certainly of made a smart-ass comment yet here I now am after dealing with fertility issues realizing that I had NO idea just how much it takes to get pregnant.
Our parents drilled into our heads the fact that it only takes one time to become pregnant yet the chances are only 25% and that is if everything is working fine and your timing is spot on.

Now that my husband and I have had to go to doctors and have tests it has forced us into not only being very aware of what the limitations of the human body are but we have also had to learn what each of our emotional limitations are. After reading tons of information and hearing peoples horror stories about years on medications, invasive surgeries, failed IVF attempts, emotional and financial bankruptcy, I am relieved that we have been able to keep things simple so far. For us our marriage comes first and adding children to our family in any way possible (pregnancy, adoption) comes second yet we seem to be a rarity!

Seeing the hardships and the emotional turmoil of others that are in our fertility challenged situation makes me want to ask the question... "Just how far will you go?"

For us the answer has yet to be defined in words but I do know that neither of us would allow our marriage to suffer, our finances to be crippled or our emotional bank account emptied. Does this mean we are less dedicated to starting a family? or simply sane?

The last thing Eric and I would want to do is bring a child into this already crazy world and willingly subject them to problems we created in the journey of bringing that child into our life. To do so seems like a complete oxymoron. If our marriage and life is not stable then what kind of parents could we possibly be and what right do we have to create this child in the first place?

There have been days when the tears have flowed and disappointment at another month passing with no positive results has seemed like a devastating experience but for us our faith in both our dream of a family and the strength of one another has kept us positive and strong.

I have no doubt that a child will become a part of our family in one way or another but I also have no doubt that if we had to live a life without a child we could do so and still thrive in our life together.

Blessed be to any and all of you who may be in, or were in this situation. My heart goes out to you and you are always in our prayers.

Love and Light,

7 months

Seven months have passed by since I last wrote here and yet I return wondering what will spill from my mind on to this electronic page. So much has happened on a personal level during my absence. Eric started a company providing consulting and programming work and is now working on a full time contract for a company in the states, we have lived in New Brunswick for an entire year, and we have grown as a couple in ways I never thought possible.

I think it is this growth and the challenges I am seeing in other people relationships that is most on my mind this evening so perhaps that is where I will linger and talk to you.
In marrying Eric I can honestly say that I have reached levels of intimacy that I never thought possible for me. I have always loved quickly and freely at a superficial level, meaning that I can be open about certain feelings and experiences and thoughts with many people in my life, yet I had created a finely constructed shell deep within that harboured a part of my heart and soul that I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge not-alone allow someone else access to for my entire adult life. It is a place where I allow tears to flow freely, where irrational pain and staggering dreams live and it is a place where I am truly vulnerable. Now this is not Hallmark, and I am no Danielle Steel so I am not going to say that Eric has shattered the shell I keep with in or that now that I am married all of those deep, intense feelings and memories are simply brought into the light but I will say that I am more honest with him about my achievements and failings than I have ever been before. With my husband I am myself and even when it is not pretty, and my shadow side rears it head I know that I am safe to show him my feelings and I will be loved not despite of my darker side but because of the balance of shadow and light that makes me a whole.

It is with great sadness that I have had a front row seat to the challenges my friend and her partner are suffering. It is the possible end of a love and it is sad and equally heart breaking for both the people in the union. Dreams that only months ago seemed within grasp are fading from memory and their remains seem as likely as gold at the end of a rainbow. Disappointments rain over them and they see each others failings without the filter that love provides. To loose love, to watch a romance, a passion, and a partnership die is terrifying for those involved but it is important to remember that you once loved this person completely and your past relationship deserves to be honoured, as does your partner, because love may fade and change and partners may leave our lives but the memories we made with them and the lessons they have taught us are more valuable than that rainbow gold and just as sacred now as love fades as they were when love flowed freely between you both.
Let go of the disappointment of what may have been and focus on the tangible experiences you gained during your time together.

Love relationships take a great deal of patience, work and honest communication but it is achievable: even if , at times,it is fleeting.

May each and everyone of you have the joy of love in your life.

Blessed be, love and light
A.

It is Just a Piece of Paper

How many times have I used the line - It is Just a Piece of Paper - when I was referring to marriage and yet here I am after just celebrating my first wedding anniversary realizing that I was completely wrong...for me anyway.

After being in 2 very serious / long term relationships before ever getting married to my wonderful husband, I assumed that marriage would be exactly the same as living with someone. It would have the same joys like waking up late on a Sunday; going out to different events; sharing the triumphs, responsibilities and hardships; and of course making love with an ease that only comes with a partner you truly know.
I also assumed it would come with the same difficulties like the challenge of always having someone in your space; having to compromise on so many little things that eventually they become big things; stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night only to fall into the loo because he forgot to put the seat down; and of course the monotony of making love with a partner you truly know!

Instead what I have found is something I was totally unprepared for. Marriage, that little piece of paper, has given to me the gift of Spiritual love and partnership. The kind of love where all the good things are seen through a magnifying glass and where all the negatives seem as small as grains of sand. The gift came with the added bonus of patience, understanding and a true friendship with my partner. on't get me wrong the challenges are still presented by the universe and yes I have had the joy of a wet ass in the wee hours of the morning due to a toilet seat being left up but somehow it all seems like just another excuse for us to learn and grow and become closer rather than an anoyance that has me wishing for Tim Mcraw to come and whisk me away.

Perhaps it is that I am older now or maybe it really was saying those vows and meaning every word..... Who knows?
What I do know, is that for me, marriage is far more than a piece of paper. It is me as the best version of my self and a bond that stretches far further than just the fact that we dwell in the same location and share a few similarities.

I will always hold my first love close to my heart and thank my second love for all he taught me but it is my husband who I hope to spend eternity with and who I thank the God and Goddess for each and every day.

Eric: Thank you darling for being such a great husband and for allowing me to find the greatest part of my soul through our marriage.
Love you!

A few recent pics - we sure are having fun!